|
Celebrity Arbitration Group for Mayweather vs. Pacquiao... by Martin Wade
-Photo Courtesy of
pacquiaofight.net-
This is an election
year, and to some of us the survival of mankind is in the balance and
never mind if the "some" is crazy and never really cared until we elected
a brotha. The bottom line is there's more important things out there than
what we Boxing Freaks argue about; like the Super Bowl or whether Blue Ivy
is signed to a Record Label yet. With Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather
seemingly moving on to (in my opinion) much more interesting bouts, I am
using this time to call for some degree of decorum and democratic process.
Even after Tim Bradley and Miguel Cotto are dispatched this spring we
must have a better way of debating the bout that Max Kellerman (in one of
his not so enlightened moments) called the biggest fight since Ali vs.
Frazier I. We have to get in touch with our inner deal maker and realize
that there is no "inner deal maker." For this fight to get made many of
you internet managers, spokesmen and members of the not so tangible "Money
Team" have to fall back and admit that this is too big for us.
We aren't important enough, even if given 300 characters we couldn't impact
one way or another whether this fight can or will get made. Only revolts in
Middle Eastern countries are afforded Twitter power, but not Boxing. But have
no fear; if there's anything you can't accomplish on your own, the best way to
address the issue is with people who are better than you. That's right, the
people who don't have to invite 10 people to the crib (guilty) to cover for
the most recent PPV bomb -you know the people who can actually BE THERE FRONT
ROW. We watch them every day on TV; we don't have to troll for them on the
internet like the Boxers we love. Many of them have platforms that don't have
the letter "u" in them and they win stuff like Emmys; you may call them
arrogant, lucky scumbags but I'm a traditional guy and I choose to call them
celebrities.
Arbitration is a process whereby two "beefing" parties submit grievances
to an impartial group to render a decision. The message boards aren't
impartial, they aren't looking for information on Pro Mayweather/Pro
Pacquiao websites, and they're looking for Affirmation. A celebrity is too
narcissistic to care about catch weights, whether Floyd made more $ than
Manny or who we think is "the man" that the other party should bend over
for. They're clueless! and thereby qualified to put a definitive ending to
this nonsense once and for all. They aren't pecking away at some keyboard
like yours truly; and they most certainly aren't commenting on some of the
silly stuff like who is scared of who. So with that in mind; along with the
"Loaded Gloves Team" that really doesn't exist, I've assembled the greatest
arbitration group known to man - a virtual tour de force of the uninformed
to save us from ourselves.
And Save us from the
Darkness of two Hall of Fame fighters never meeting in their prime. Huh?
That already happened? Ok, then the point is they are here to bring us
Mayweather vs. Pacquiao and did I tell you these people are better than
us?
Charles Barkley:
Dismissive of anyone less than 6'2" the outspoken TNT NBA analyst burst
into the meeting face covered in crumbs shouting "these lil dudes won't
fight? That's turrible!" Barkley proposes we not allow them to fight at
all, "they too little, the only little people that's tough is Allan
Iverson and Isaiah Thomas so let them fight one another!" Barkley calls
Mayweather a Miami Heat wannabe who wants all the rewards but whines too
much... "You should be glad people pay you to run." When someone displayed a
video of 7' NBA guys punching like girls Barkley laughs. "I didn't
say we could fight either, but at least I'm willing, I'll fight right
now!" Finally when asked for an opinion on how to come to terms, Barkley
demurs, "What do I care? Ima be there when they do fight cus I'm rich, you
idiot!" And those Heavyweights need to sign up for the scam I'm doing for
Weight Watchers and "Lose weight like a man" cus them are some big boys.
It's a damn joke how fat they are!"
Donald Trump: As you
know, "The Donald" is aware of Mayweather's unbeaten record; he shakes the
Champion's hand while telling him he is successful. Floyd feels a little
less defensive with a man of his own ilk in the room. "As you know, I wrote Art of the Deal and many of you here today are lucky that I've loaned you
the actual Boardroom table from my number one show "The Apprentice." "I
have many properties and my time here is to your benefit, I am erecting a
temporary Trump Casino on Mars and I must say none of the casinos in
Vegas can compare to mine." I am not sure who these people are but the
bottom line is I am worth more than this Haymon fellow and I want to be in
complete control of this venture. This "barn" that Mr. Arum is proposing
on erecting is an insult; un-American and frankly ill equipped for a fight
of this magnitude. I'm not even sure this man is a lawyer and until he can
provide ample evidence, I can take this fight where it needs to go and that
is to the moon. I can guarantee each fighter 100 million dollars. I can
only pay the Asian person his money if he denounces his Chinese puppet
masters and pledges allegiance to America; a country of winners. "What?
Filipino? Congressman? Why some of my best friends are from where my
assistant just told me the Asian guy is from?"
Pat Riley: Walks in,
lays his Five NBA Championship rings on the table and fidgets with his
cufflinks while clearing his throat. He explains how this fight, this
event, makes them all "family" committed to one cause. He explains to
Floyd he can't go into history alone, that Magic needed Bird and vice
versa. Floyd is actually getting choked up looking at the video
presentation. "Shared sacrifice, teamwork and discipline is the only way
to make this fight happen! We don't need any weak links (staring icily at
Michael Koncz) because we operate as one single organism." Riley has the
room in the palm of his hands, which is until he starts focusing on Manny
Pacquiao's business casual attire and the gaudy "MONEY TEAM" jack worn by
Mayweather. He refuses to listen to either side of the dispute until both
of these men have gone to HIS tailor; people appear out of nowhere and
start measuring the two Champions for Armani.
Shaunie O Neil: The
best fight promoter on Cable TV, she's been low key in her dazzling shoes
and big "I'm trying to not be noticed while being noticed" sunglasses.
She's cozying up to Pacquiao showing him a montage of Floyd Mayweather's
juvenile rants on her Ipad and asking "gently" how it makes him feel.
Manny gives Shaunie that awkward "what the hell is she talking about?"
smile but Shaunie is zeroed in like a pit bull. What Manny is unaware of
is that Jinky is already committed to going to one of the fake Miami benefits
(fronts for fights) with the other girls and Shaunie is pitching her new "Boxing Wives" series. Shaunie isn't stupid, let all of these men talk to
one another, she knows the real power behind making the fight happen is
getting to the women behind the men, because there's too many shoes out
there yet to be bought. They think they can get over on a sista, but what
employment agency do they think Floyd's latest "dime piece" Ms. Jackson
come from? It's an underground database and Shaunie's one of 5 people on
earth with the App on her IPhone.
Seth Meyers:
Scanning the room for gags; sees Donald Trump and shrinks in his chair.
The SNL comedian is eavesdropping on Mitt Romney's hushed admonishments of
HBO's Ken Hershmann, especially when the Ken doll candidate growls "you
have no idea what I'm capable of buddy, now make the damned fight." He's
playing the field, non-committal, the only actual "arbitrator" in the room
and certainly the only person finding humor in all parties trying to take
over the promotion.
Mitt Romney: He's
here because this is where the wind brought him, and maybe he can name
drop Mayweather if he's forced to speak with any black people this fall.
He's appointed some lobbyist to throw money around DC on behalf of the NSAC because he'd rather not associate with a
"governing body" practicing
any form of financial disclosure - maybe he can liquidate that thing. He
certainly isn't sure why this Mayweather character is broadcasting his
earnings to everyone; he chuckles to himself and thinks "poor people."
Like Trump, people have to give him a "broad estimate" of what he's worth
so this whole thing about telling poor schmucks on the internet who will "earn what" is against the very nature of wealth. He's put in a text to
one of his homeboys from Bain Capital that simply reads "set up private
equity acct., for Super Pac for fight, wire to Schaeffer." It may mean nothing
to you or me but Romney can guarantee each man $100,000 a day for the rest
of their natural born lives at less than 15%. But of course they'll have
to get past this talking about money nonsense, people don't like that, and
it isn't presidential.
Snookie: Batting her
eyes at the Mormon candidate, she tells Mitt how much she's into older
guys and how he looks familiar; she's making Mitt blush. Snookie takes a
picture of herself sitting on Bob Arum's lap and Tweets it out with the
tagline "making the fight with Uncle Bob, @FloydMayweather is HOOOOT!!!"
The newly minted Boxing Promoter from Jersey thought this mediation was
the perfect way to cement her status in the sport and extend her 15
minutes of god knows what. Barkley scoffs at her, "who is this little
woman? I can't stand a little assed woman. I like a grown assed women I can
get to."
Ewan McGregor: The
only participant who agreed to come but at the last minute did not show. However there are menacing voicemails on the phones of Arum and Haymon
played for the room. "I don't think you know who I am, but I know you,
I've been watching you screw the public around for several years in
regards to this fight and I've had enough. If you do not agree to terms
and make this fight before the end of 2012 I will come for you, you won't
know when and you won't know how, but I will find you. The skills I possess...
let's just say can be very painful to greedy deceptive men like yourself,
and when I find you...
|