|
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: ALPHABET SOUPS' RANKINGS AND OTHER CRIMES... (PART II) By 'The Shadow' |
 |
|
It has gotten so bad that the normally arrogant, beyond reproach WBA, has changed its heavyweight ratings this week to avoid getting handcuffed to the radiator alongside Al-Queda members waiting for Ashcroft to beat them over the head with a telephone book. By not heeding what happened to corrupt IBF kingpin Bob Lee, fellow alphabet honchos Gilberto Mendoza and Jose Sulaimán have found themselves locked in litigious construction site portable where they are nipple deep in their own s%$t. Let us now chronicle the latest reason why these organizations are in the frying pan just in this lower weight continuation of this writer's previous article on rankings fraud.
WBC - Nadar Hamdan - Hamdan is riding a 28 fight undefeated streak yet three of his last seven opponents were making their professional debut, with one of the newbies having enough skill and stamina to take Hamdan the full twelve rounds! WBA - Akira Ohigashi - By ranking an opponent who has never fought outside of that boxing hotbed of Japan much less any pugs with a double-digit record over the .500 mark, one can only guess how many “complimentary” Toyota Land Cruisers are adorning the driveway of the WBA’s Caracas headquarters. IBF - Andrei Pestraev - In President Bush's clumsy attempt to butter up Russian Prime Minister Putin to along with him in invading Iraq, Bush orders the government monitor at the IBF to place East Bloc journeyman Pestraev in their top ten rankings. Andrei’s claim to fame was that the pesty lefty went twelve rounds against a coked out Pernell Whittaker who tested positive for “White Lady” after the bout. Afterwards the Russian would so sinisterly be executed by James Page with a single left hook in the second round of their title fight that the footage would be censored from the director's cut of a snuff film much less the “Best of Faces Of Death” video.
WBC - Carlos Baldomir and Rev Santillan: While these two sound like the South American villains from a Miami Vice episode or a James Bond movie, they actually pack less punch than the peg-legged and hog tied dwarfs that they beat down to pad their records. Santillan got his ranking on the strength of going through more heels in his native Philippines than Imelda Marcos shopping at gun point. As for the Argentinean Baldomir, he would get knocked out by the portrait of Carlos Monzon. WBA - Jose Rivera and Federic Klose – While Jose Rivera is no bum, the WBA’s fourth ranked welterweight journeyman would get knocked out clean by almost everyone he is ranked ahead of him much like Michael Trabant rated ahead of him. Klose’s appearance in the top ten is a testament to how many quality complimentary French hookers can be squeezed into the WBA official's gay Paree hotel suite. IBF - James Hare and Jose Celaya: Hare's opponent's workouts consist of an eternal Lincoln Stretch perfected on a cold slab in the London morgue. Meanwhile Celaya’s finest moment came when had to go life and death with trial horse Hector Quiroz.
WBC - Gianluca Branco and Masakazu Satake: The top ranked Gianluca would get Branco-Billied by almost anybody in the top ten to expose his true worth as a pretender who would get handled by these fighters sparring partners. The only guy in the WBC’s top ten that this doesn't apply to is Masakazu Satake who is as convincing a top ten fighter as the late Chris Farley was a Beverly Hills Ninja. WBA - The #1 ranked Souleyman Mbaye would enter into a world of unspeakable pain if he actually had to fight any of the more deserving fighters that somehow got ranked below him in the top ten. Ditto for number three ranked Ricky Hatton. IBF - As many talented junior welterweights walking around this planet the IBF has their number one and two slots vacant? This pattern of vacant top two spots is repeated at other weight classes making it seem as if a mandatory shot is for sale since the IBF obviously does not rank fighters according to merit. The IBF’s government monitor however, is forcing them to be less egregious in their rankings fiasco.
WBC - Bobbie Vanzie and Kengo Nagashima: Vanzie’s nickname of “Viper” is highly appropriate being that the Englishman's lame list of opponents show as much resistance as the baby hamsters fed to the aforementioned reptile. Kengo got stepped on like a Kango laying on the floor when unaccomplished Sirimongkol Singmanasak knocked him out in two this past August yet he still in the top ten? WBA - Miguel Callist, Lakva Sim, Prawet Singwancha, and Xuxa Nascimento: Mendoza's lightweight top ten rankings sucks worse than the heavyweight version that he just changed to avoid federal prosecution. IBF - The IBF done good.
WBC - Randy Suico and Affif Djelti: The felonious presence of these two scrubs will have Jose sharing the same space under the receptionist's desk when the Feds bust the door down with a warrant for their arrests. WBA - Tontcho Tontchev just gets schooled by Daniel Attah on national TV and gets ranked higher than former title challengers Jesus Chavez and Carlos Hernandez? Silvano Usini sounds like an all expense paid vacation to Italy to me. IBF - Look at Tontcho remark above.
WBC - Takashi Koshimoto and Manuel Calvo: Takashi’s most impressive feat is being a 5’10” Japanese featherweight. In Koshimoto’s only real bout against a world class fighter, Freddie Norwood stopped him in 9 rounds. For Calvo to be ranked for embarrassing Marco Antonio Barrera’s sloppy seconds in Naseem Hamed this past summer is like the boyfriend who gets props for having a girlfriend stand erect after a gang bang. WBA - Lewis Woods, Chris John, and Spend Abazi: Larry, Curly, and Moe. IBF - Not bad. 10-16-2002
Questions? Comments? Write 'The Shadow'
Brought to you by Saratogamist copyright 2001-2004 |
JUNIOR MIDDLEWEIGHT
JUNIOR WELTERWEIGHT
